"Hello Canada," by Gerry Warner

A little ditty with apologies to George Orwell

Perceptions by Gerry Warner

“Hello, hello. Is anyone there? This is an emergency! Have I got the RCMP Barbaric Cultural Practices tip line? I do! Oh, thank God. I thought I’d never make it through.”

“Yes, I’d like to report someone engaging in an un--Canadian, barbaric, cultural practices and doing it everywhere across the country. It’s so brazen and unbelievable it could damage Canada’s reputation around the world. It goes against all our Canadian values. We’d never be able to hold our heads up proudly again. I, I, I’d be afraid to leave the house  . . . even to go to Tim Hortons. Or a hockey game. How un-Canadian is that?”

“Now slow down sir. Relax. Get a grip on yourself. Surely you’re making a great mistake here. How can anything as diabolical as you’re talking about be occurring anywhere, little alone across the country? This is Canada you’re talking about. Peace, order and good government.”

“No, no. I swear I’m telling the truth. Don’t you remember last June. I think it was June 18 when our illustrious Senate gave Royal Assent to the Barbaric Cultural Practices Act. So it must be true. No one in the Senate would tell a lie.”
“Well, I guess you’ve got a point there sir. Have you got any more information about this heinous Act?”

“Sure. You bet. Google it for yourself and you’ll see all the un-Canadian things it lists. It’s horrific!”

“Now come, come, sir. It can’t be as bad as all that. Aren’t we talking about the Canadian Senate, the sober chamber of second thought. Mike Duffy is a senator. Surely it can do no wrong.” 

“Sheesh! Don’t you know Mike Duffy is on trial now for bribery, fraud and breach of trust? Where have you been the last six months? Under a rock?”

“Now, now, sir. There’s no reason to get personal. I’m only doing my job. And what’s this babble about barbaric cultural practices anyway?”

“It’s right in the Act. I’ll  read it to you. “We will not accept the practice of cultural traditions that deprive individuals of their human rights.”

“Well, that sounds pretty good to me Sir. Who said That? It must be one of our most skilled politicians.”

“You’re darn right. It was Chris Alexander, our Minister of Citizenship and Immigration. He’s one of our most loyal Canadians. And you know what else he said in a letter to his constituents. ”

“No, but I bet it was patriotic.”

“You’re darn tooting. It’s called Protecting Canadians and here’s what it says:

“Becoming a Canadian means having all the rights and privileges that Canadians enjoy . . . violent cultural practices found elsewhere in the world will not be tolerated in Canada.”

“That sounds wonderful, sir, but who is it you wish to report for committing a barbarous cultural practice?”

“That’s easy. It’s someone who comes from ‘old stock’ immigrant ancestors, but he’s trying to destroy our country by poisoning democracy, taking away our civil liberties, undermining our scientists, destroying our reputation as peace keepers, denying climate change and feeding prejudice against environmentalists, First Nations, gays, immigrants, refugees and anyone  he thinks is ‘different’ from him and doesn’t think Don Cherry is the finest Canadian in the land.”

“No, Sir, you surely can’t mean HIM?” He loves us and knows what’s best for us like a Big Brother. I’ll have to arrest you for engaging in a violent and barbaric cultural practice.”

“And what is that, I dare ask.”

“Telling the truth about Stephen Harper!”