A little ditty
with apologies to George Orwell
Perceptions by
Gerry Warner
“Hello,
hello. Is anyone there? This is an emergency! Have I got the RCMP Barbaric
Cultural Practices tip line? I do! Oh, thank God. I thought I’d never make it
through.”
“Yes, I’d like to report someone engaging in an un--Canadian,
barbaric, cultural practices and doing it everywhere across the country. It’s so
brazen and unbelievable it could damage Canada’s reputation around the world.
It goes against all our Canadian values. We’d never be able to hold our heads
up proudly again. I, I, I’d be afraid to leave the house . . . even to go to Tim Hortons. Or a hockey
game. How un-Canadian is that?”
“Now slow down sir. Relax. Get a grip on yourself.
Surely you’re making a great mistake here. How can anything as diabolical as
you’re talking about be occurring anywhere, little alone across the country?
This is Canada you’re talking about. Peace, order and good government.”
“No, no. I swear I’m telling the truth. Don’t you
remember last June. I think it was June 18 when our illustrious Senate gave
Royal Assent to the Barbaric Cultural Practices Act. So it must be true. No one
in the Senate would tell a lie.”
“Well, I guess you’ve got a point there sir. Have you got any more information
about this heinous Act?”
“Sure. You bet. Google it for yourself and you’ll see
all the un-Canadian things it lists. It’s horrific!”
“Now come, come, sir. It can’t be as bad as all that. Aren’t
we talking about the Canadian Senate, the sober chamber of second thought. Mike
Duffy is a senator. Surely it can do no wrong.”
“Sheesh! Don’t you know Mike Duffy is on trial now for
bribery, fraud and breach of trust? Where have you been the last six months?
Under a rock?”
“Now, now, sir. There’s no reason to get personal. I’m
only doing my job. And what’s this babble about barbaric cultural practices
anyway?”
“It’s right in the Act. I’ll read it to you. “We will not accept
the practice of cultural traditions that deprive individuals of their human
rights.”
“Well, that sounds
pretty good to me Sir. Who said That? It must be one of our most skilled politicians.”
“You’re darn right. It was Chris Alexander, our Minister of
Citizenship and Immigration. He’s one of our most loyal Canadians. And you know
what else he said in a letter to his constituents. ”
“No, but I bet it was patriotic.”
“You’re darn tooting. It’s called Protecting Canadians and
here’s what it says:
“Becoming a Canadian means having all the rights and
privileges that Canadians enjoy . . . violent cultural practices found
elsewhere in the world will not be tolerated in Canada.”
“That sounds wonderful,
sir, but who is it you wish to report for committing a barbarous cultural
practice?”
“That’s easy. It’s someone
who comes from ‘old stock’ immigrant ancestors, but he’s trying to destroy our
country by poisoning democracy, taking away our civil liberties, undermining
our scientists, destroying our reputation as peace keepers, denying climate
change and feeding prejudice against environmentalists, First Nations, gays,
immigrants, refugees and anyone he
thinks is ‘different’ from him and doesn’t think Don Cherry is the finest
Canadian in the land.”
“No, Sir, you surely
can’t mean HIM?” He loves us and knows
what’s best for us like a Big Brother. I’ll have to arrest you for engaging in
a violent and barbaric cultural practice.”
“And what is that, I
dare ask.”
“Telling the truth
about Stephen Harper!”